"Beside the Seaside" album

BESIDE THE SEASIDE – BESIDE THE SEA album (2022)

BESIDE THE SEASIDE -BESIDE THE SEA album cover

As with Bombarded, all the songs are on a single theme, in this case the seaside, mostly the seaside of the North-East of England, and the playing order proceeds down the coast, from north to south.

Yet again there are a mix of serious and comic songs.

The album is not yet available to download.

LYRICS

1 Seaham Hall

©2021 Lol Moran

The hall was a small stately home on the County Durham coast which became involved with celebrity, scandal and coal-mining before more recently becoming a spa hotel and wedding venue.

Annabella Milbanke, lived at Seaham Hall,
A Georgian cliff-top mansion having fine sea views and all.
The Milbankes had some money, Lord Byron had a lot,
Or would have if he hadn’t been a spendthrift and a sot.
Still, Annabella Milbanke, was wed at Seaham Hall,
Becoming Lady Byron and amazing one and all,
For she was prim and proper while he was quite a lad.
He was just outrageous, and some said that he was mad.

Lord Byron, as a poet, found fame at twenty-four,
And had a way with ladies - whether rich or whether poor.
He also loved his sister, but not like brothers do,
And word flew round old London town, to Annabella too.
She left him after twelve months, moved back to Seaham Hall.
She brought their baby Ada, who was young and very small,
While Byron left for Italy and then went on to Greece.
He never would return again and soon would be deceased.

One Frances Anne Vane-Tempest, she then acquired the hall,
- And its large estate as well into her hands would fall,
On marrying her husband he changed his name to Vane.
To thus acquire her fortune any man would do the same.
But he knew there was coal - down under the estate,
So he built several coal mines and their income it was great,
So then he built a harbour, Seaham town he much improved,
But found the hall was much too small; to a stately home he moved.

Now if you go to Seaham, you will find the hall still there,
But it is now a posh hotel; expense they do not spare,
Where anyone can marry if they only have the cash.
Shelling out a fortune for an ostentatious bash.
A part of its attraction is that wedding years ago,
Which makes the hall its money since the coal now stays below.
Seaham Hall may be quite small; its cliff-top site is bleak,
But one posh wedding it once held ...and now does every week.
But one posh wedding it once held ...and now does every week.

2 Over the Top

©2020 Lol Moran

This was inspired by memories of going to school by train, decades ago, past dreary collieries. However, in the thirty years since the demise of the coastal mines, the Durham Heritage Coast has changed out of all recognition.

There’s lots of coal that lies under the sea.
That’s why we’ve located our new colliery,
Up here on the cliff top, four miles from the coal,
To shorten the length of that narrow black hole.
But finding a space for the waste may be hard.
We can’t dump it all in the colliery yard.
The coal we can sell, it will go off in trains,
But what’s to be done with the stuff that remains?

Chorus 1
   What we don’t want, can go over the top.
   And into the sea, as they won’t make us stop.
   It may be a blight on the South Durham coast,
   But it’s loved by a few, and by shareholders most.

We’d normally put the waste in a big pile.
Which could well be noticed for many a mile,
But building a heap on a cliff isn’t fine,
The cliff could collapse and demolish the mine.
But there’s one solution that’s simple and free.
We just tip it off the cliff into the sea.
The beach may turn black and won’t make a good view,
But shareholders’ payouts must keep coming through,

Chorus 1

The beaches were blackened for ten miles and more,
By all those dark mines which loomed over the shore.
Enlightenment came and the mines had to go,
Though they left dark scars from the black stuff below.
But thirty years on, nature’s done a repair.
There’s now little sign that the pits were once there.
The coal waste is gone from the cliffs and the sand,
And the whole Durham coast is now looking quite grand.

Chorus 2
   (What) they didn’t want they chucked over the top,
   And into the sea as they’d never be stopped.
   There once was a blight on the South Durham coast,
   But we’ve got it back and it’s now loved by most.
   It’s no longer black and it’s now loved by most

3 Penny Arcade

©2021 Lol Moran

Memories of seaside haunts in the days before decimal currency – when a clip round the ear was still acceptable. – and was quite often expected!

Down on the seafront if it’s starting to rain,
Holidaymakers look up with disdain.
(If the) sun doesn’t look like returning again,
You’ll head for a penny arcade.

(Where you) go to the man with the coins in a stack.
Give him a shilling get twelve pennies back.
In three minutes’ time - all twelve you will lack.
That’s life in the penny arcade.

Chorus
   Don’t bang the machines - don’t give them a shake,
   Because if you did - that would be a mistake.
   Don’t bang the machines - don’t give them a kick,
   (Or the) big man out there might make your ear thick.

You take all your pennies then choose a machine.
This one looks newer but that one is green.
It just doesn’t matter, no fortunes are seen,
Here in the penny arcade.

This one has numbers but that one has fruit.
This one is ugly but that one’s a beaut.
If you claim one is broken, that they’ll always refute,
Here in the penny arcade.

Chorus

The penny’s put in and the handle pulled down.
The reels start to spin with loud whirring sound,
Then one of them stops while the others go round,
Raising hopes in the penny arcade.

The second reel stops and you know you can’t win.
You mutter an oath, another penny goes in,
And you’re hopeful again once the reels start to spin.
Little chance in the penny arcade.

Chorus

The sun is now shining, where did the time go?
You’ve run out of money, have nothing to show.
Next time you are tempted, it’s best to say
Don’t go into the penny arcade.

Chorus

4 Often I Think

©2020 Lol Moran

The idea for this song, about parts of my home town that I’m especially fond of, had been in my mind for several years before this collection concentrated my mind on writing it.

Often I think of The Headland and the view to the south from there.
The gentle chug of the small boats, while slowly passing the pier.
You’d see the high cliff of Boulby, when there was no mist or rain.
Often I think of The Headland, in my far-off do main.

Often I think about Seaton, and of the Blue Lagoon.
That’s where you could well suffer frostbite if you were to strip off in June.
The arcades which took all your pennies, and left you with none for the bus.
Often I think about Seaton, when that long walk home was no fuss.

Chorus
   Often I think of my old town, though I left it decades a go.
   It made me, and sometimes dismayed me,
   But it's part of me always, I know.

Often I think about Rossmere, and sitting there, fishing for hours,
(By) the pond where the newts and the minnows lived, 'til kids put them into their jars.
Daffodils flow’ring in thousands, after the snowdrops would wane.
Often I think about Rossmere, where it never seemed to rain.

Often I think of The Harbour, and small boats that bobbed gently there,
Which twice daily settled upon the grey mud when the tide had departed else where,
Where seabirds would stretch out their feathers, drying them off in the sun.
Often I think of The Harbour, though it's years that I've been gone.

Chorus

5 The Seaton Canoe

©2016 Lol Moran

The true story of the insurance fraud perpetrated by John Darwin who faked his own death at Seaton Carew. A wag at the time placed a spoof village sign over the real one so it read “Seaton Canoe.”

John Darwin, he always had such big ideas,
At making a fortune - was trying for years,
But most of his schemes they just fell round his ears,
As he simply hadn't a clue.
He owned a big house, one which had a sea view,
Right on the sea front at Seaton Carew,
Where he could see profit in owning a few,
So bought the adjacent house too.

The huge mortgage payments put John in a spot,
More ev’ry month than the funds he had got.
Defaulting would mean he’d be losing the lot,
And he didn't know what to do.
So he then came up with a quite cunning scheme,
And he was convinced it would work like a dream.
To some an insurance fraud it might well seem,
But John knew that he’d see it through.

Chorus
There’s no way out, so just what can you do?
Pretend that you've drowned close to Seaton Carew.
They won’t find your body and just your canoe,
And then they will pay out for you.

He paddled his canoe to the end of the bay,
Where he abandoned it then made his way
To meet up with his wife and be sneaked far away,
As he'd worked out just what to do.
Sneaked back to the house, where his wife kept him fed,
Stayed in a large cupboard, his kids thought him dead.
At night he'd be sharing the marital bed,
Until the insurance came through.

Then on a false passport and with his wife too,
John flew to Panama to start life anew,
Where John thought he'd pulled off a wonderful coup,
Because he’d known just what to do.
But buying a flat caused their fate to be sealed.
Their deal-signing photo online was revealed,
Was seen by a man who had kept his eyes peeled,
And that soon meant jail for the two.

Chorus
There’s no way out, so just what can you do?
Pretend that you've drowned close to Seaton Carew.
They won’t find your body and just your canoe,
And then they will pay out for you.
But if… they find no body and just your canoe…
They'll never stop looking for you!

6 Oh I Do Like to Be Beside the Tees Side

©2020 Lol Moran. Based on "Oh I Do Like to Be Beside the Seaside" by John A. Glover-Kind (1907).

This parody idea was the first thing I thought of when considering topics for the songs on the album. The original song is about going to the seaside, so I reversed the direction of travel since I was born at the seaside, on a headland from where you can see Teesside and its most famous bridge – The Tees Transporter – which is a kind of cable car). Local knowledge and local rivalry both played a part in producing this song.

Ev’ryone delights to spend their summer's holiday
Down beside the side of the silvery sea.
I'm an exception to the rule, in fact, if I'd my way,
Far away from sand and the waves I’d be.
For when you're just a common or garden seaside lad like me,
A chance to see the sea is not a novelty.
And though each morning I see lovely views across the bay,
Often I will pay, just to get away ...if only for a day.

Chorus
   Oh! I do like to be beside the Tees side!
   I do like to be beside the Tees!
   I do like its folk who brave the chemical smoke,
   Some call them Smoggies for a joke!
   So just let me be beside the Tees side!
   Watching the ships head for the seas,
   Where face-mask on all day always was the safest way,
   Beside the Tees side, beside the Tees!

The railway built from Darlington in eighteen twenty five,
For carrying coal to ships at Stockton’s quay,
Had caused such local int’rest that when op’ning day arrived,
People came in thousands just to see.
And as they all were cheering when the first train moved away,
Someone happened to say, “For a ride I bet they’d pay!”
And fairly soon that’s what they’d did, they’d pay some modest fees,
Just to ride a train, there and Em back again, be side the River Tees.

Chorus

Timothy went to Teesside one fine day that he had free,
And saw the chemical cloud which hovers each day.
It was so amazing and what colours he could see,
Just like a daylight firework display.
So grinning to himself, he took a photograph or three,
Of the bridges he, had come there just to see,
And when he got his photos back he’d show them with delight,
Though the clouds no doubt, made each bridge stand out,
...A red and green sky’s not right!

Chorus

7 Waters of Tees

©2020 Lol Moran. Parody of "Waters of Tyne" (trad).

"Waters of Tyne" is a well-known traditional folk song, the lament of someone who is unable to cross the river to see their lover. This parody relocates and updates the plot of the original by using the tendency of the Transporter Bridge over the River Tees (effectively a heavy-duty, vehicle-carrying cable car) to often break down.

I can’t get to my love for our day by the sea,
As the waters of Tees come between her and me,
S-o here I must stand on the bank helplessly,
For-the Transporter’s broke and my love I’ll not see.

She’d said “Come here fi-rst and we’ll go on the train”,
Bu-t she lives in Stockton; to get there’s a pain,
So-I said “It is easier to go sep’rately”,
But the Transporter broke; she’ll be there but not me.

I live near the bri-dge which is handy for me.
Just-a Transporter ride then a bus to the sea.
Now-the Seaton Carew bus still waits pointlessly,
For-the Transporter’s broke so no seaside for me.

O where’s the repa-ir man can’t he give it a clout,
To get the thing moving and save our day out,
Then-I’d still catch that bus and in Seaton soon be,
While-the Transporter’s broke it means big grief for me.

She’ll say it was m-y fault for not going by train.
She’d warned me before not to screw up again,
Say-ing “buck your ideas up or you’re history”.
Now-the Transporter’s broke; I’ll be soon girlfriend-free.

I can’t get to my love ...well, she’s not any more.
For-that lone trip to Seaton, was her final straw.
Th-e waters of Tees I no more want to see,
While-my ex girlfriend n-o more now wants to see me.

Th-e waters of Tees I no more want to see...
While-my ex girlfriend n-o more now wants to see me.

8 The End of the Pier

©2020 Lol Moran

Redcar used to have a long pleasure pier which, like most of them, had its heyday in the late Victorian / Edwardian era. Much of its history involved being battered by storms, ships and neglect until it more or less just withered away.

Redcar’s pier was a new sight to see,
In eighteen hundred and seventy three.
A quarter of a mile it ran over the sea,
And it had a landing stage.
Its bandstand sheltered a hundred or more.
The pierhead was wide where the pier met the shore,
And as an attraction it proved quite a draw,
As soon it was all the rage.

Seven years on when a fierce storm blew,
A ship struck the pier and it carried on through,
And not for the last time was severed in two,
But soon was joined back to the land.
A few years later a paddle steamer came,
Tied up to the pier; failed to untie again,
Dragging the landing stage from the pier’s frame,
So visiting steamers were banned,

Chorus
   Redcar's pier was the place you should go,
   But Redcar’s pier had a story of woe.
   Redcar's pier, with the sea as its foe,
   Lost the long fight years ago.

At the century's close it suffered once more,
As yet another ship split its end from the shore.
Then soon, through the pier-head a fi-re would roar,
And damage was rather severe.
But by the twenties improvements arrived.
A big, new ballroom to help it survive,
And with its new cafe it surely would thrive,
But people grew bored with the pier.

In Hitler's war a last breach was made,
To slow down the Germans were they to invade,
But storm damage then made the pier look more frayed.
Battered but soldiering on.
Later storms further shortened the pier.
By nineteen eighty its end was now near.
A century old, it would soon disappear,
Losing a fight, the sea won.

Chorus

9 The Zetland

©2020 Lol Moran

The remarkable story of the 78-year life-saving career of the world’s oldest surviving lifeboat, which can be seen in a museum at Redcar. She was designed and built in 1802 and by Henry Greathead, incorporating the ideas of two other early innovators. Coincidentally, her final rescue was of the crew of the first ship to breach the Redcar pier (referred to in “The End of the Pier”.)

At the mouth of the Tyne, once, a ship ran a ground,
While hundreds watched, helpless, on shore.
Not a soul could be saved, crew and passengers drowned,
People said this must happen no more.
It prompted deign of a life-saving boat,
A boat Henry Greathead supplied.
Its design was to prove a success of such note,
(That of) thirty built some went world-wide.

This boat with two bows and no stern was no joke,
As she could go forward or back.
Her shortened oars gave them a powerful stroke.
Two more gave the steering she lacked.
A curved keel would make her more easy to turn,
But cork in her sides helped the most.
The Redcar men, seeing these features discerned,
They’d reduce loss of life on their coast

Chorus
   The Zetland, the Zetland saved five hundred lives.
   For A sixty-two years at each shout she’d arrive.
   Then, when in retirement a call came again,
   She did one last shout - saved seven more men.

The new Greathead lifeboat in eighteen-O-two,
From South Shields to Redcar she came,
And Redcar’s fine fishermen they’d be her crew,
With Zetland becoming her name,
And soon she would save lives in storm and in gale,
From ships that came too near the shore,
The Zetland would go out and rarely would fail.
One crewman was lost but no more.

She retired and for two new boats Zetland made way,
And to a museum she went.
Then in eighteen eighty one bad stormy day,
When on rescues both boats had been sent.
A foundering brig hit the side of the pier.
The Luna broke up then and there.
So Zetland was called; one last time she’d appear,
And all seven sailors were spared.

Chorus

Chorus [unaccompanied]

10 Funiculì, Funicular

©2020 Lol Moran. Based on "Funiculì, Funiculà" by Denza and Turco (1880).

I remembered that Saltburn-by-the-Sea (to give it its full name) had a funicular railway and thought it would be fun to write a song about it. It’s a parody of the well-known Italian song written for the opening of the funicular railway up Mount Vesuvius. Saltburn’s own funicular railway opened four years later and is still going strong but the Italian one was buried by lava in the eruption of 1944.

I thought that I would go and visit Saltburn,
To get my share of bracing air.
It faces north so you’ll not suffer sunburn,
With steep slopes there beyond compare.
The pier, the only one in all of Yorkshire,
One has to see, apparently.
Likewise, the strange contraption used to get there,
Which weirdly, appealed to me.

Chorus
Saltburn’s Cliff Lift takes you to the pier.
The steep walk up the cliff you needn’t fear.
Funiculì, Funicular, Funiculì, Funicular...
It’s technic’ly a railway though it doesn’t go too far.

The “Cliff Lift” is what the railway’s real name is.
“Funicular railway” They never say,
But then, that’s what Yorkshire folk’s real aim is,
To always say things a Yorkshire way.
The Lift is Britain’s oldest worked by water.
Still going strong, after so long,
Unlike the nearby bridge, the Tees Transporter,
It just goes on, and never goes wrong.

Chorus

When I arrived, I firstly did a websearch,
To find out where, the stations were.
It seems that one is metres from the pier,
But parking here is rather dear.
The car park, on the cliff I then selected,
As it was free, the choice for me.
I parked but soon my plan I had rejected.
Once I could see the Cliff Lift fee.

One pound forty to just go down the cliff.
That’s extortion, I was somewhat miffed.
Funiculì, Funicular, Funiculì, Funicular...
So I went on to Whitby, paid five quid to park the car.

Chorus Saltburn’s Cliff Lift takes you to the pier.
The steep walk up the cliff you needn’t fear.
Funiculì, Funicular, Funiculì, Funicular...
It’s technic’ly a railway though it doesn’t go too far.
Funiculì, Funicular, Funiculì, Funicular...
It’s neither lift nor railway and it doesn’t go too far.

11 Go to the Seaside

©2020 Lol Moran

More or less a history of the British seaside resort over 250 years with lyrics that vary to reflect the changing seaside views as well as changing attitudes towards the British seaside.

Doctor Richard Russell said two hundred years ago,
That for your health the seaside was the best place you could go.
Previously no-one would have thought of going there,
But pretty soon you found resorts appearing ev’ry where.
The Prince of Wales moved south to take up Doctor Dick’s advice.
Built a house in Brighton – seaside life was very nice.
In no time it was fash’nable to be near sea and sand,
Or in the case of Brighton, sea and pebbles – much more grand!

Chorus
Go to the sea-side – breathe in the fresh sea air
The smoking chimneys of the towns will all be far from there.
Go bathing in the waters, it’s as healthy as could be.
And watch the ships all sailing by with sails all flying free.

(In) the days of Queen Victoria, the masses took the train,
To spend a week down by the sea then back to work again.
They’d not be going for their health, but beer and sun instead,
And seaside rock and fish and chips and getting very red.
The seaside towns built piers – all lit by electric light,
And ballrooms and big theatres to get folks out at night,
And guesthouses in thousands run by dragons in disguise,
Who ruled with rods of iron over people they’d despise.

Chorus
Go to the sea-side – breathe in the fresh sea air.
Though the smoking chimneys may not all be far from there.
Go bathing in the waters but be careful where you tread,
And watch the ships all steaming by, smoke belching overhead.

To day we find the seaside towns are now not what they were.
The piers, the venues and the shows have mostly gone from there.
We now have all the world to choose from, sun is guaranteed,
Where those who like it noisy can find ev’rything they need.
The old resorts please older folks who like a slower pace,
With guesthouses which welcome you and don’t point in your face.
The old resorts have mellowed and gone through a quiet phase,
Although with global warming they might yet see better days.

Chorus
Go to the sea-side – breathe in the fresh sea air.
The smoking chimneys of the towns have long been gone from there.
Go bathing in the waters, which are all now sewage-free.
And watch the turbines turning in the wind above the sea.
And once you’ve paid a fortune parking where it once was free,
(You can) watch the turbines turning in the wind above the sea.

12 Peckish in Whitby

©2020 Lol Moran

Whitby is a famous Yorkshire tourist town with a seagull problem caused by hordes of visitors eating food in the streets around the harbour. Despite my prior warning (having been there previously) and the notices on the lamp-posts, a friend of mine once lost a sausage roll to a seagull there, so this song is based on personal experience, although the pie-shop conversation is pure fabrication.

The day we went to Whitby – on board the Scarb’rough bus,
The town was very busy – with tourists just like us.
We climbed up to the abbey – from where the town looked neat,
But came down to the town again when it was time to eat.
We then went to a pie shop – two sausage rolls we bought,
We’d eat them by the harbour watching boats, or so we thought,
But then a great big seagull swooped. My sausage roll was gone.
I had to go back in the shop to buy another one.

Chorus
   If you go to Whitby – though Whitby’s very nice,
   You must beware of seagulls there; your visit has a price,
   As anything you’re eating – a seagull could eat too,
   And from the rear fly past your ear and steal your lunch from you.

The girl back in the pie shop – said “I remember you.
“You’re wanting one more sausage roll, or is it maybe two?”
So I said “one, you’re quite correct – however could you tell?”
She then said “right, your shoulder’s white, you smell of fish as well.”
“Half of all the snacks we sell succumb to seagull theft,
“And people never want to eat the bit that they’ve got left,
“So they all come back in again to buy their snack once more,
“But they’re a bit more cautious when they next go out the door!”

Chorus

All round town are signs that say “Don’t feed the seagulls please.”
Which you never notice ’til you lose your lunch to thieves,
So I said to the pie shop girl “Perhaps you could have said.
“That seagull was a menace and it nearly hit my head.”
She replied “I don’t think that the boss would want us to,
“And with the signs up everywhere, it’s really up to you.
“The more the gulls are stealing means the more that we will sell,
“So if we were to warn you then we’d not do quite well!”

Chorus

   And anything you’re eating, a seagull could eat too...
   So it eats well and the profits swell of the pie shop thanks to you.


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